“All the buried seeds crack open in the dark, the instant they surrender to a process they can’t see.” Mark Nepo
As far as I’m concerned, surrender is a swear word. I’ve spent a large part of my life in resistance and have only recently come to realize it’s because I’m addicted to the-need-to-know. I want to control the outcome. I want to do it right. I want to get an A. I want you to think I’ve got it all together. And I definitely don’t want to get messy.
In my life this has shown up most obviously in romantic love. A few experiences early on left my heart in pieces. My favorite uncle died in a plane crash & a boyfriend I deeply cared for left unexpectedly. So, I decided that love was too dangerous of a game to play. I planted the seeds of fear in my heart and mind. The unspoken, unconscious rule I devised to protect myself was: “Make men my friends. Don’t love them with my whole heart because they’ll leave me.”
In retrospect, I realize it was actually a brilliant idea. This way I wouldn’t break anyone’s heart. And my heart wouldn’t get broken either. The strategy worked…maybe a little too well, actually. I planted and nurtured a garden of more than twenty-five incredible male friends in my life…who are happily married to other women.
“How had I contributed to this outcome?” I asked myself. I began paying attention to my behavior around men. For example, I noticed that when I saw an attractive man, rather than engaging with him, I often felt shy and looked away. It seems ridiculous to admit, but it was true. Love didn’t have a chance. I wondered why the only men who asked me out were excessively confident and persistent. Initially, I thought their persistence meant they were genuinely interested in me. Not so much. They were, in fact, the men who loved a challenge and worse yet, they were often in committed relationship. My experiences served to validate my original premise that love was too dangerous of a game.
It’s time to break that cycle. So the next questions becomes how can I surrender to love? In theory I know what it takes. It requires me to remove the armor around my heart, trust myself enough to take risks and allow myself to be truly seen by another. It most likely will get messy. It’s time to plant some new seeds in the garden of love.
- What about you?
- What areas of your life do you try to control so you don’t get hurt?
- How has this protective strategy served you?
- How has it kept you from getting what you want in your life?
- Are you ready to create something different?
If so, join me in taking action below and let’s do it together!
When I see someone I’m attracted to, I’m going to:
- Notice the discomfort in my body & acknowledge it
- Take a deep breath and lean in to the discomfort.
- Then I’ll make eye contact, hold my gaze for three seconds & smile.
Your TalkRx Prescription
What type of garden do you want to plant?
What are you willing to dig deeper for?
Name one action you’re ready to take to make it happen.
I’ll keep you posted on how love grows!